With Gratitude, Optimism is Sustainable

Once in a while, the YouTube algorithm will get it right. I will be watching something, and when it ends, the recommended videos will include a clip which sparks my interest.

It happened a few weeks ago. I forget what I had been been watching, it’s not really important.

The suggested video was an interview with actor Michael J. Fox. In it, Jane Pauley talked with Fox about his life with Parkinson’s. I am always wary of these videos turning into inspiration porn. However, I thought this was well done for the most part. If you would like to see the video, you can watch it for yourself here.

At the end of the video, Fox describes how he maintains his positive attitude in the face of a progressive neuromuscular disease. This is a question often asked of people like me and Fox who live with serious disabilities. The answer he provided is one I also ascribe to.

With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.

I use gratitude lists to help me get through dark times, as I have written about in many earlier blog posts. I find optimism by counting my blessings. I have no control over much of what happens with my disability. I can’t control the speed at which my muscles deteriorate. I can do my best to preserve what function I have, but I know I will continue to decline over time.

What I can control, what all of us can control, is how we react to the activities in our lives which challenge us. Do we choose to wallow in self-pity for days on end or do we decide to tackle the unknown one small bit at a time? Do we ignore the support of others and try to fix a problem on our own, or do we reach out and ask others for help? Are we vulnerable in our need, or do we shelter ourselves due to fear of rejection?

There are times when I may do all of those things. I make poor decisions. I wait too long to ask others for assistance due to my stubborn need to prove I can manage independently. I have been known to shut out the world for an afternoon of feeling sorry for myself while indulging in a pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream instead of calling a friend.

However, underneath it all I am an eternal optimist who is always grateful things aren’t as bad as they could be. When I have had enough sulking, the way I pull myself out is to start a new gratitude list. It is what got me through the emergency room after I broke my femur. Gratitude lists made it possible for me to endure the long wait for independent mobility when I bought a new accessible van. Well, that plus antidepressant medication. I mean, gratitude lists can’t do everything!

But, they can help you shift your mindset from one of misery to one of optimism. If you don’t believe me, listen to Michael. With gratitude, optimism is sustainable.

You Don’t Always Need a Recipe

I woke up very hungry this morning and decided to make something for breakfast using whatever I could find in my fridge. My eyes landed on the package of blueberries next to the yogurt and I immediately thought, “Pancakes would be great!”

With the help of a quick search, I found a recipe for Fluffy Greek Yogurt Blueberry Pancakes and my personal assistant Brooke started gathering ingredients. Together we measured and stirred, ticking off the list as we added each item, flour, baking soda, sugar and so on.

We were about to add the dry ingredients to the wet (that’s flour mix into egg and yogurt for you non-bakers) when I realized the recipe didn’t call for vanilla. I am a firm believer that most any baked item can be improved with the addition of a little dash of vanilla. So, even thought it wasn’t listed, I tossed some in.

I have had personal assistant staff look at me in horror when I changed a recipe by omitting or adding something. Thankfully, Brooke has cooked enough with me to know I like to modify ingredient lists and often agrees these changes result in good outcomes.

This was the case today because we both give these pancakes a 5 out of 5 review! They were fluffy, as the title promised. They puffed up and each bite contained at least 2 blueberries. And yes, the vanilla added just the right amount of flavor to make this my new go-to.

So many things in life are like a new recipe. You can follow it step by step as written and get good results. Or, you can try changing a step to see if it makes a positive change.

The change could result in disaster. Nobody wants me to repeat the adventure when I accidentally used flour instead of powdered sugar while making icing. And despite what “they” say, sweet potatoes can’t always substitute for pumpkin in baking recipes. When I tried to change my personal care routine a few years ago to having evening showers instead of morning, my schedule fell apart.

But, sometimes the addition of an extra step makes for the perfect twist. Don’t believe me? Try adding just a splash of almond extract to your next batch of chocolate chip cookies. Or, try pausing a moment each day to make a short gratitude list during your morning routine. This addition will help you be present with a more positive outlook as you face another day of possibility.

I don’t have the perfect recipe or instruction set for life. What I have is an ever-growing collection to help me achieve what I want. Over time, I modify the recipes to meet my needs and tastes. Some recipes appear and become favorites, while some are memories of a different time when my tastes or needs were not as developed as they are now.

Whatever recipe you are following, you have control of the final ingredient list. If something isn’t working, or tasting right, keep working at it until you find what is missing. Or, toss that recipe out and start a new one.

Just don’t stop experimenting. You’re worth a 5 star review!

Seven Years – Good for Me!

Yesterday I “celebrated” an anniversary. January 13th was the 7 year anniversary of the surgery to repair my femur fracture. In case you are new to reading my blog – and you probably are since I haven’t written regularly this past year – you can learn about that event in this post.

In brief – I fell to the floor when a former Personal Assistant didn’t listen to me. I broke my femur in what the orthopedic surgeon called a “doozy” of a spiral fracture. This started a chain of events which included: a stay in a rehabilitation hospital; moving twice in 18 months; losing independent transportation for almost 3 years; learning how to drive with high-tech hand controls; and, navigating the challenge of determining which antidepressant medication works best for me.

Looking back on everything that happened, I realize I am not good at giving myself praise and credit when I overcome challenges. I am free with a “good on ya!” or “great job!” to others, so why do I find it hard to take a moment and allow myself to feel proud of my accomplishments?

After all, through the past seven years, in addition to the events listed above I also managed to: survive (so far!) a global pandemic; travel to Canada (twice!) and Australia; participate in 3 Rotary International Conventions in person; change careers (twice!); and, serve as Rotary District Governor.

I have not consistently set annual goals for myself, but this year I have been giving it some thought. I have not clarified them just yet, however I know the only way I will accomplish anything is if I give myself permission to see my past performance in a positive light. This doesn’t mean bragging about what I have done; rather, it’s knowing what I am capable of, because – well, I have accomplished some amazing things! These accomplishments make me uniquely “Denise” so why wouldn’t I embrace them?

The truth is, we ALL do amazing things that make us uniquely ourselves! Do you take time to recognize your own accomplishments and give yourself credit? Try it this week with me, and let me know what you discover. Or just leave me a comment letting me know what accomplishment you are proud of.

Good on ya in advance!

I’m Still Here!

Hello friends – I’m back! It has been such a long time since I’ve written and I have missed the connection. I was almost ready to archive my blog but recent events have given me the jolt of energy I needed to resume my daily writing.

What have I been doing? Well, here’s a brief summary to catch up you to speed.

Like so many others, I struggled the past few years. The COVID pandemic has been a challenge, particularly the early days. Even though I have been fortunate to avoid sickness and infection so far, it has been difficult to watch the devastation on my disabled peers and their lives.

I finally admitted to my own mental health issues and depression which have been growing, and this caused me to reprioritize certain activities. I am on medicine, but I continue to struggle to find a therapist to help me further heal and recover. I do not want to have to help a clinician unpack their own internalized ableism while they are supposed to be helping me with my past trauma.

Almost a year ago, my family helped my mother transition from this life to eternal rest. She passed away peacefully on the day that would have been my father’s 95th birthday. I am grateful to everyone who sacrificed to allow her to spend her last days at home. Although it was sad to say goodbye for now, it was wonderful to gather with friends and family to celebrate her legacy. Mom was known for her hospitality and kindness to all. The world would be a better place if we accepted each other without judgement, but rather with compassion and love as she did.

I changed jobs in 2022, and then again this past September. While I love advocating for home care for people with disabilities, my strength is not in the realm of care coordination or social work. Medicaid home care remains in crisis but my own mental health issues meant I was burning out as a peer advocate. Fortunately, a position opened up which provided an opportunity for me to return to public health work. I spent just over a year working in a state program focused on building a more accessible and inclusive public health infrastructure and increasing health outcomes for people with disabilities. I enjoyed the challenge, but never felt like it was the place I was meant to be.

Then, an opportunity presented itself and I couldn’t resist taking a chance. Three months ago I became the new Executive Director of the New York State Independent Living Council. The work is challenging, but it feels purposeful. I have a great staff to work with and amazing Council Members who are committed to independent living for people with disabilities. Most days I feel like I’m playing catch up and still trying to figure out what I’m really doing, but at the end of the day I am grateful to have the chance to make system change happen on a larger scale.

I remain involved with Rotary at both the club and district level. I served as District Governor for the greater Capital Region of New York (Rotary District 7190) from July 2022-June 2023. It was an honor to serve and support the clubs in my district as they resumed in-person meetings and events. If you are familiar with my writing here, you are aware of my history with Rotary and my prior travels as a Rotary youth exchange student.

The highlight of this year was a return trip to Australia in May. This time I was able to bring my bestest best friend Stephanie with me and we had an AMAZING adventure. There are many future blog posts to come about that, so please stay tuned. During our trip, we visited my former host families and Rotary hosts, and participated in the Rotary International Convention. We ended our two-week tour with a brief stay in Sydney where we were wined and dined by my best friend from Australia, Ulla.

Stephanie, Ulla and I enjoying a glass of wine at the Sydney Opera House.

I’m looking forward to getting back into blogging and sharing my writing. Thank you for taking the time to reconnect. I hope you will come back in 2024 as I get back into DeeScribes!

Active Listening

I don’t remember when I first heard the phrase “active listening.” It was probably in a college classroom, during a lecture on behavior management or providing constructive feedback during a speech therapy session. I studied speech therapy. As developing clinicians, it was important to be able to hear and process what we were hearing in order to help clients develop into stronger communicators.

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.

Epictatus

You may have seen or heard this quote before, but have you really thought about the act of listening? True listening requires us to be present and attuned to our communication partner. When we are actively listening, we are not trying to finish the story being told to us. Instead, we are focused on the reality of the storyteller – their feelings, reactions and intentions. We are able to reflect back to them our own insights, or ask probing questions to gain a clearer understanding.

At least, that is what we should be doing.

I am the first to admit, active listening takes extra effort for me when most of my communication these days takes place over a phone or virtual connection. I find myself easily distracted, even when the topic is one I find fascinating. I know I am not the only one who gets antsy and restless as the Zoom meetings increase in number. Of course the speakers on these calls deserve my attention and active listening. Yet, I struggle to wait for my communication partners to finish their thoughts before chiming in.

One of the ways I remain an engaged listener is to give my hands something to do. When we used to gather in-person for conferences or meetings, I would silently crochet. Last week, I volunteered to take the minutes for a meeting so I would be forced to pay close attention to what was being discussed. Earlier this month I served as a host for a large Zoom event. This ensured I would remain focused and engaged for the entire multi-day training seminar, rather than playing solitaire or Candy Crush.

Being an active listener shows our communication partners we are respectful of what they are saying. Given the state of our political climate, it is crucial for everyone to listen to people we may not agree with. That doesn’t mean we need to give hate speech a platform. I’m not endorsing that at all. But if we don’t listen, truly listen, to people who don’t think or speak like we do, we make it impossible to find common ground.

These days, it is easy to walk away or tune out those who do not share our outlook or viewpoint. I can unfollow a friend or family member on social media if I find their posts offensive or opposite to my point of view. I can, and have, removed myself from an online group when what started as a community of peers turned into a negative space which did not bring positivity to my life. I have the privilege of removing myself from conversations I find degrading. But should I always disengage?

Last week I heard an interview with two men who were talking about gun violence. One man was a strong supporter of the Second Amendment and the right to bear arms. The other man was speaking out in favor of legislation which would ban semi-automatic rifles and high-capacity magazines from civilian sale or use. I was tempted to turn off the radio. Then each of them said something which made me think differently about the topic. I didn’t change my mind, but I gained an insight into their own opinions and the rationale for their beliefs. I developed a deeper understanding about a topic I often don’t think about in more than a cursory manner. I am not ready to take a stand with either of them. However, I have a clearer picture of how someone I traditionally write off as opposite of me arrived at their conclusion. I respect the men for their willingness to take a stand and explain the reasons for their stances.

Respect. At the end of the day, it is what we hope to gain from others. I don’t need agreement from everyone who reads this post or hears me speak. You grant me respect by taking a few minutes of your day to read and comment. It may not be the same as actively listening with your 2 ears, but you have 2 eyes, too.

I challenge you to take time to actively listen this week to someone with whom you do not agree. Ask a question if you can, and try to engage in a respectful dialogue if you feel comfortable. Maybe when we get to know more about the people we typically avoid, we can help start to find common respect with others and build stronger communities.