I’m Over It

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

It has been months since I’ve written a blog post. Months since I sat and stared at the cursor and thought, “That’s worth sharing with my followers.” So much has happened – COVID, adapting to remote working, protests, theater shut downs – you know. LIFE. Maybe not life as we know or knew it, but life as it IS.

If I’m honest, I’ve not been consistently coping well. But I’ve been coping. Doing the best I can, like most everyone else I presume. I mastered Zoom. I hosted virtual happy hours. I called and Skyped with friends from around the world.

It’s not been easy. At a time when I want to be out in the streets, I am home because I know my chances of surviving another pneumonia-induced ICU hospitalization are poor. I should be out exploring the world in my new van. I have been to the gas station to fill it up four times since March 13.

Throughout the past six months, the relationship I have relied upon and leaned on the most is the sisterhood I have with my bestest best friend, Stephanie. Together we have laughed, cried, hosted a Hamilton watch-party, consumed tubs of popcorn while on opposite ends of the phone, and kept each other as positive as possible.

This week we’re both struggling. I have an injury. She has a multi-day migraine. I’m suffering Zoom fatigue. She’s managing an empty nest and caregiving for family. It’s difficult to maintain optimism and positivity when you are in pain and feeling overwhelmed.

This afternoon, she sent me the following words. I told her it captured a great deal of what I’m feeling and would make a great blog post. Actually, what I really said was, “I think your rant makes for a great blog post. It makes me wish I wrote it first. But I don’t have the energy to write, or a shoulder that would let me type that long.”

She gave me permission to share it, as long as I gave her credit. So, here are her words, unedited and raw. Today they describe where we are at. Tomorrow we’ll be better. Tomorrow we’ll go back to being optimistic. Or we’ll need another day.

But we’ll have each other. And for that, I am blessed beyond words.

by Stephanie Canfield

I’m over people. 

I’m over the ones that work at a job for a short time, maybe a couple months to a couple years, always looking for something better, and call those jobs a “career”. I have a career in banking…I’ve been doing it for 24 years. Not two years, until the next best thing came along, but for more than half of my life. 

I am over the ungrateful ones that get a job and then complain about that job from day one. And when they finally do leave, are ungrateful that the institution even gave them a chance to begin with. I’m tired of the ones that are 25 years old, working for a 79 year old boss, that refuse to understand the generation gap and that your ideas about how a business should run and how you treat people might be a little different. And that not all of those practices are bad just because they may seem outdated. 

I’m over people blaming their job for all of their problems, including “inflaming my tennis elbow so I wake up in pain and have to go to the chiropractor and get acupuncture”. Pick a profession…I’ll show you that doing the same motion over and over will eventually cause problems with any given part of your body. 

I’m also over the people that don’t realize that just because they live their life a certain way that it isn’t the same for everyone else. Just because you have a great relationship with your parents doesn’t mean you’ll have one with your kids. Or that anyone else will. Or has. 

That just because a person isn’t Black doesn’t mean that they can’t stand up for the Black Lives Matter movement, or that just because they ARE Black it means they have to. I’m tired of people’s opinions about masks, COVID, politics…and the fact that sometimes when people ask “how do you feel about this mask stuff” that maybe they’re just trying to start a conversation with you, or engage in small talk, not have you judge them because they don’t agree with you. 

I’m over political ads. I’m over everyone’s feelings being hurt because they don’t feel included in whatever the hot topic is at the time, or the conversation at work, or the dinner table, or whatever. I’m over people fighting one another about kids going back to school, or not, or homeschooling, or remote learning. I’m over the debates about there being no jobs but seeing “help wanted” signs everywhere, and stimulus checks, and not getting charged taxes for now but paying them back later, about who should get bonus unemployment money, the definition of essential workers, and disgruntled workers that have jobs not getting paid as much as those on unemployment simply because they’re still going to work every day. 

I’m tired of people forgetting how to be kind. I’m tired of people that are selfish but think they’re acting on behalf of the majority, when in reality they’re only self serving. I’m tired of people that think educational institutions have to take only their child and their child alone in to consideration instead of looking at what is best for that educational community. 

I’m tired of people that are lazy and don’t take care of themselves or hold themselves accountable for their own well being. I’m over well meaning people pissing me off because they think I can’t handle simple tasks, like getting myself up on time, so they feel the need to “wake” me up, even when I’m awake. How the hell have I managed to get up and to work on time this many years without their help??? 

I’m over so many things, dude, and I’m ready to yell FUCK OFF to the entire world. To tell them all to get over themselves, take accountability for their own actions, quit blaming others, do what you feel is really and truly right and all the freeking rest will PROBABLY fall in to place. Do what you need to to get yourself to survive, and along the way if you have the opportunity to help someone else then you damn well better step up and take it! If you are able to hold yourself accountable DO IT, and then help those that TRULY aren’t capable, not the ones that are just too damn lazy to do it. 

And for fuck’s sake, BE NICE TO OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. And animals.  Be nice to them, too.

OK. Maybe I’m done. 

And I probably have opposite opinions on everything I just said, since I can hardly ever pick a side, because of my damn ability to see more than one side to most situations. 

Damn it.

My Go-To Tunes: Remembering George

As a teenager, I loved the pop group Wham! Their posters served as wallpaper in my bedroom. Their songs were the soundtrack to my life. I had to buy another copy of the Make it Big cassette, even though I had the record, because the first tape broke. And when CDs came on the market, I bought it on CD too. My best friend Stephanie had the VCR tape of Wham! in China. We watched it so often I can still quote sections of it verbatim. We knew all the dances from the music videos, and performed them in our living rooms when the songs came on the radio. I performed George Michael’s parts and sang while Stephanie took over Andrew Ridgeley’s moves.

When Wham! broke up, Stephanie and I cried. We were 13 and brokenhearted. It was the end of the world as we knew it. George and Andy were moving on to other ventures. We were devastated. Our moms shook their heads. My dad muttered something like, “Boy crazy girls,” while making a face showing his lack of understanding. Clearly this was the worst thing that could happen in a young girl’s life!

Thirty years later, Stephanie and I were devastated once again when we learned of George Michael’s death on Christmas 2016. We sat on the phone that night in stunned disbelief while listening to “Last Christmas” on repeat and reminiscing about our teenage antics.

This past Christmas, Stephanie and I went to the movies together for the first time in more than twenty years. It took George to get us back there. We went to see Last Christmas, the film inspired by George’s song of the same name. That’s right – the woman who mostly shuns romantic comedies willingly sat through an hour and a half of saccharine schmaltz with her best friend because of George Micheal and Wham! It’s far from the most illogical thing I’ve ever done because of a boy. And the popcorn was AMAZING!

Since watching the movie, I’ve been listening to George’s music while driving. I’ve rediscovered songs I always loved but haven’t heard recently. This morning the song “Praying for Time” came on as I took the exit for my job. I sat listening, really listening, to the lyrics and realized this song is just as timely now as it was when it was first released on Listen Without Prejudice in 1990. If you haven’t listened to it recently, and even if you have, give it another listen. I was particularly struck by the bridge, which seems appropriate in today’s political climate.

And it’s hard to love, there’s so much to hate
Hanging on to hope
When there is no hope to speak of
And the wounded skies above say it’s much, much too late
Well, maybe we should all be praying for time

Praying for Time

Lyrics and Music by George Michael

These are the days of the open hand

They will not be the last

Look around now

These are the days of the beggars and the choosers

 

This is the year of the hungry man

Whose place is in the past

Hand in hand with ignorance

And legitimate excuses

 

The rich declare themselves poor

And most of us are not sure

If we have too much

But we’ll take our chances

‘Cause God’s stopped keeping score

 

I guess somewhere along the way

He must have let us all out to play

Turned his back and all God’s children

Crept out the back door

 

And it’s hard to love, there’s so much to hate

Hanging on to hope

When there is no hope to speak of

And the wounded skies above say it’s much, much too late

Well, maybe we should all be praying for time

 

These are the days of the empty hand

Oh, you hold on to what you can

And charity is a coat you wear twice a year

This is the year of the guilty man

Your television takes a stand

And you find that what was over there is over here

 

So you scream from behind your door

Say, “What’s mine is mine and not yours”

I may have too much but I’ll take my chances

‘Cause God’s stopped keeping score

 

And you cling to the things they sold you

Did you cover your eyes when they told you

That he can’t come back

‘Cause he has no children to come back for

 

It’s hard to love, there’s so much to hate

Hanging on to hope when there is no hope to speak of

And the wounded skies above say it’s much too late

So maybe we should all be praying for time

 

 

A live version, recorded at the Royal Albert Hall, London on the Symphonica Tour, is also worth watching in my opinion.

 

 

 

30 Days of Thanks Day 13: Pizza with a Good Friend

A couple of weeks ago my friend Crystal sent me an email asking if I had plans for November 13th. She was going to be passing through my city. Would I be able to meet for dinner and/or breakfast?

Of course I said yes before I checked my calendar. Thankfully when I did check, I didn’t have anything else planned.

This is my second visit from Crystal in as many months – a real treat since we don’t live in the same country. Granted, the Canadian border is only about three hours away. But when you haven’t really driven in almost  two years, even a three hour drive can seem like the other side of the world.

Tonight Crystal and I shared a pizza in my new apartment. We laughed, we expressed anger and frustration, we hugged. In other words, it was a fantastic visit.

Tonight I am grateful for good friends like Crystal who are willing to share pizza at my cluttered dining room table.

My friend Crystal and I visiting Montreal a couple of years ago.

30 Days of Thanks Day 8: People of STAR

Since I have been riding my local paratransit busses regularly again for the past year, I have had the chance to meet and observe some interesting people. About two months ago, I jokingly made a comment that I should start a “Humans of Paratransit” column modelled after Humans of New York.

While I don’t have the time to write those essays just yet, today I am grateful for the relationships formed on the bus, and for the daily reminder of the need to continue to advocate for equality and access.

My morning started after exercise with a bus pick up at the pool. “Hannah” (she asked that I not use her real name) was my driver. Hannah makes everyone smile. She has something positive to say about everyone she interacts with, and I have never seen her in a bad mood. She is one of my favorites. Starting the day with her gives me a boost of energy.

Tonight I got to ride with a friend I have not seen in a few weeks. We chatted for twenty minutes as we drove from her pick up to my final destination at home. This morning I rode with a young man I know through work. We chatted about election day results and our plans to become more engaged with our local ADAPT chapter.

I complain about paratransit as much as everyone else. The system is far from perfect. I would love to see better use of technology to increase efficiency and communication.

But I am grateful for the personal connections I have made riding the bus regularly this last year. These almost make the reality of paratransit (the waiting, the late pick ups, the 2 hour rides to go 15 miles, etc.) bearable. Paratransit deserves its own post and maybe someday I’ll write it. For now, I’ll be grateful for human connection instead.

30 Days of Thanks Day 4: Proctors

Eight years ago, my friends Stacey, Eric, and I bought subscriptions to Proctors Theater for their Broadway Series. Proctors is located in Schenectady, just fifteen miles from my town. Going to see touring Broadway shows is easier and (usually) less expensive than going to New York City. A few years ago my friend Ronda joined us.

The four of us have seen some amazing shows and performances. That tradition continued today when we went to see Fun Home, the play based on the graphic novel by Alison Bechdel. If you get the chance to see this show when it comes to your town, you should go. The cast is talented and you’ll find yourself singing the “Fun Home” commercial all the way home. At least, that’s what happened to me.

Today I am grateful again for the opportunity to celebrate musical theater with good friends. I appreciate the opportunity to attend live performances in a beautiful, historic building close to home. I’m already looking forward to the next show!